


To Be Normal

by Random_Fandom_writer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Dialogue Light, Evan Hansen Has Anxiety, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Is a Bad Parent, Late Night Writing, M/M, Secret Relationship, Sensory Overload, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (not specified), and an asshole, i can't write endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 01:53:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19367776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Random_Fandom_writer
Summary: They weren't ok, but hopefully they'd get here soon, they're counting on each other.Or...A series of downwards spirals.





	To Be Normal

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many ideas for multi chapter stories but I just keep pushing out these one shots. I'm too scared of commitment to actually do a multi chapter.
> 
> Trigger warnings: Sensory overload, anxiety/anxiety attack, suicidal thoughts, unhealthy coping mechanisms, bullying, homophobia, mention of drugs and alcohol (very brief. Like, two words)

Evan feels _Bad,_ and he doesn't know why, which might be the hardest part.

He fees wrong, and gross, and _B_ _ad._

The tee shirt he has on in place of a night shirt feels rough against his skin, which is ridiculous because he's never had this problem before. Yet he has to stifle a pained sob as his skin starts to burn after shifting slightly. Burn. Burning. His eyes are burning. He left his curtains open, and _fuck,_ does he regret that, because the sun is shining right into his already sore eyes.

The front door slams as Heidi rushes out to work and Evan immediately wants to curl in a ball and _scream,_ because everything is too _loud_ , and _bright_ , and _B_ _ad_.

He hates this.

He hates how after months of effort, he still feels _Bad._

He can't afford to feel _Bad_ right now. Not when exams are coming up. _'You should be at school Evan. Think of everything you are missing in class right now.'_ And now labored breathing and shaky limbs have joined the mix and Evan just wants it to stop.

He just wants to be normal.

 

* * *

 

Evan's forgetting something.

Oh yeah, it's _how to breathe._

His hands are currently buried in his hair _pulling, tugging, ripping._ Anything to make it stop. He needs this to stop now because he's in the school bathroom which is _not_ what Evan would deem a quiet place for a meltdown.

 _'Breathe. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.'_ His lungs burn, he can never seem to get the breathing exercises down. He ignores the strain of his lungs, continuing.

***

It's over after what seems like forever, but in reality was probably only about twenty minutes.

The bell rings signalling an end to lunch and Evan internally groans as he remembers he still has half a day to make it through.

So he straightens up, inspecting himself in the mirror and humming in approval when he sees he doesn't look _too_ fucked.

He looks normal. Or at least as normal as he's going to be.

 

* * *

 

He leave school early that day, shooting a quick text to Heidi saying he's not feeling well. It's not _technically_ lying, but it's only the half of it. He knows she won't even see it until later that night on her way to class.

A twenty dollar bill sits on the counter. Other than that, there is no proof of another person living in the house.

He's alone in a house that hasn't been a home in years.

He breaks.

Evan's legs buckle beneath him as he starts to sob, sitting with his head against the door. He trembles until his muscles ache, he dry heaves until his throat hurts, he cries until his head pounds.

He cries, and cries, and cries.

He cries, because alone is his normal.

 

* * *

 

Evan wonders if he's going insane, or if that's the mental illness talking.

_Maybe both._

Because either he's hallucinating, or _Connor Murphy_ really is kneeling in front of him, helping him with his breathing. _Connor Murphy_ looks at him through concerned eyes, a hand over his as he counts his erratic breaths. _Connor Murphy,_ is offering him an unopened bottle of water to drink from after he sees the other swallow dryly.

Well that's not normal.

 

* * *

 

What he and Connor have is not normal, Evan knows that much for sure.

It's good, and awkward, and messy most of the time.

It's everything Evan has ever wanted. 

Because Connor is a whirlwind of emotion and adventure, and it's exactly what he needs to bring him to life. Evan has never felt more _alive_ in his life. Up until now he didn't even want to be alive. It's hard to feel that way when Connor makes him feel so- so _Good._

***

Every day he seems to learn a new thing about him. Like how his tongue sticks out slightly as he draws, how his eyes light up when he talks about the latest book he read, how he actually quite likes his mother's new vegetarian diet.

Then there are the dirty things. Like how his fists clench whenever he gets a text from Larry, how his tools to cope are far from healthy after having to resort to other methods when his medication was taken away, how he can't remember the last time someone treated him like a _real person._

He knows neither of them are normal.

He's not so sure he wants normal anymore.

 

* * *

 

Of course there are downsides to everything.

Connor walks through the halls, hair hiding his face, and Evan immediately wants to go up to him and brush the strands away. He wants to tell him to hold his head high because everyone should have a chance to see that pretty face of his. He wants to wave at him, smile at him, hold his hand, kiss him-

He can't.

Because what would they say to that? They'd belittle them, call them names, hit them, hurt them, stare them down. Because that's what you do to the outcasts.

That's their normal.

 

* * *

 

As these things go, good has to come to an end eventually.

It wasn't meant to happen. It shouldn't have gone so far.

First it was Evan and Connor. Just them. Their secret. Of course, it couldn't have stayed that way forever.

The younger Murphy had to find out, who then confided in Alana.

Everyone knows Alana can't keep her mouth shut.

It didn't take long for word to spread obviously.

The predictability and normality of high schoolers is enough to make your eyes roll. 

 

* * *

 

That however, wasn't the final blow.

It was Larry Murphy who delivered that.

***

_"It's not normal Cynthia"_

_"He's just a kid-"_

_"No, don't baby him. He's a grown man now, he needs to learn how to act like it." He rubbed at his eyelids, continuing. "The decision is made. He's going."_

***

Boot camp. Where troubled teens go for a little _reinvention._   

From wrong, to right.

So you can finally be normal.

 

* * *

 

Evan's alone again. Really alone.

***

He went to the Murphy's to drop off the others sweatshirt. He knew he'd be needing it for his little _trip._

Instead he was screamed at to " _get off my property or else."_

He never did get to give him back his sweatshirt. Evan thinks it's for the best, because at least he still has a piece of Connor with him.  The real thing is much better.

That's when it really hits him. The fact that Connor is gone. Not for good, but at least for a while.

Evan is back to his old normal.

 

* * *

 

Evan never realized when he became so codependent on the other.

Because now he sits in the corner of his room having a breakdown over ordering _pizza,_ and all he wants is _Connorconnorconnorconnor._

It only makes him shake harder when he realizes Connor isn't coming.

***

The truth is, Evan can barely function without him. It makes him wonder how he survived the first seventeen and a half years of his life without him.

That's not normal is it?

 

* * *

 

Connor comes back after two weeks, which felt like the longest two weeks of his life.

***

Evan: Can you come over? I want to see you.

Read at: 9:34PM

Evan: I saw that you read that.

Read at: 9:37PM

Evan: Ok

Evan: Ignoring me is fine too.   

***

It's not normal for Connor to not respond.

 

* * *

 

Connor: can i come over?

Evan: That depends. Are you going to ignore me the entire time?

Connor: im sorry

Connor: please

Evan: I'll leave the door unlocked for you.

***

Connor looks like a mess. Blood-shot eyes, ragged hair, tear stained cheeks, shaky hands.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to go, I-I wanted to see you I- Larry he um..."

Words don't really work anymore.

Evan steps forward, wrapping a hand around his wrist and leading him inside.

"It's ok."

And suddenly it is.

 

* * *

 

They weren't ok, but hopefully they'd get here soon, they're counting on each other.

He still had his moments. Bad moments where he'd yell, and scream, and shout, and drown out his brain with drugs and alcohol. When the screaming would turn to sobbing and he'd curl up with his head between his knees, leaving Evan to watch helplessly and hopelessly.

Evan still had moments where he couldn't get out of bed. Where his shirt was too scratchy, the sun to bright, the buzz of the microwave too loud. Moments when not even Connor could calm him down. When the bottle of outdated prescription medication taunts and mocks him.

That couldn't be considered normal.

But sometimes not being one hundred percent normal is ok.

**Author's Note:**

> I changed some major themes in this because I didn't really like it so hopefully this is better.


End file.
